Slay

Genesis 22:9-10 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.

Sometimes God plants desires in our hearts.
A dream, a hope, a vision for a better life.
Sometimes God asks us to give it up for Him.
And sometimes I don't understand why.

Abraham and Sarah wanted a child.
Nothing out of the ordinary for a married couple.
But they couldn't have one.
After trying to manipulate the situation,
Like having Sarah's maid, Hagar, be a surrogate mother,
They remained unsatisfied
With a child they couldn't call their own.
Finally, they gave up,
Then God promised again,
So Sarah laughed.

A year later,
When they were in their nineties,
The Abrahams miraculously had their first child.
Isaac. Laughter.

I can imagine the joy within their hearts.
And maybe disbelief.
Here, finally, after decades of waiting,
The tears, the calculations, manipulations,
They're finally holding this bundle of joy,
A laughing boy,
His sweet scent of milk,
Bright eyed stare.
He's so soft, so lovable
The sweet fulfillment of a promise!

Abraham must have been a proud father.
He must've fed his boy, and played with him,
and cradled him in his arms as Isaac cried through the night.

But one day,
Probably five years later,
God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son.
The thoughts of Abraham aren't recorded in the bible.
His possible inner conflict--
"Why? Why did you promise? Why did you give?
Why are you taking away?
Why did you allow me to love Him?"

All that is recorded
Is Abraham trekking up the mountain
His feet dragging
With his beloved
As He prepares the altar,
Ties his son,
And lifts his hand to slay.

Like Abraham,
God has planted many dreams in my heart.
I've had these dreams since I was very little.
Dreams to have a family,
And children.
Dreams to live in a big city
In a foreign country.
Today He is asking me to give everything up.

I'm not going to wrestle anymore.
I'm not going to ask why.
I'm not going to calculate, manipulate
Bargain.

God is asking me--
What if you live in the same apartment?
Have the same job?
What if you're alone for the rest of your life?
Until you grow old and die?
As long as you have me,
Will you be satisfied and full of joy?

Each question,
A stab.
But like Abraham,
I'm ready to slay.

I don't want to live for my dreams,
Or an unrealized future anymore.
Everything in me,
Is for Him.
This borrowed life temporary,
An undeserved privilege.

My will is broken.
My core shattered.
I'm all His.

I'm clinging to Him.
And I know in my heart,
That just as long as I have Him,
Everything else in the world can fall apart.
And I'm sure,
(It's just not going to happen today)
I'm sure
That one day
I'll smile again.

I am wrestling with God today

^{Genesis 32:24-26} So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."

But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

I am wrestling with God today.

My hands clenching His arms, my eyes tightly shut with tears falling down my face as I grit my teeth, push Him, and punch His chest over and over again. I am angry and frustrated and cursing myself! I soooo want to blame Him even if I know it's all my fault! My doing.

I am wrestling with God today.

Might be scandalous to you. I'm supposed to be a mature Christian, with all the right words to meet your needs. Feeling sad? Read Ecclesiastes three. For this life has seasons of mourning. Feeling angry? Search Proverbs. Never let the sun go down. Making a major life decision? Did you consult your Christian friends? That's what David did.

But today, I will have none of the coddling and trying to make myself feel good! I am wrestling with God today.

I am biting His shoulder. Pinning Him down on the floor. Pounding my head against His back. I want to kick Him! "Lord, I regret it! I regret making stupid decisions! I'm so afraid! I feel like a failure! I'm so stupid! I am just so angry with myself! And right now all I want to do is wrestle with You! I need to let this out!"

Today, I refuse to fake it. Refuse to take my daily shot of bible verses. I'm hitting Him. Stomping my feet. And like Jacob, I'm begging Him to bless me. I'm shaking Him.

My teeth chattering, "Lord, please bless me. Bless me with your mercy. I want to bask in your favor. I want to bask in your peace. I am so angry with myself. Teach me to forgive myself." Tears rolling, a bitter taste seeping out of my tongue's pores.

I am wrestling with God today.

And the Lord, unscathed, cradles me in His arms. He whispers, "You are my child. Perfect in my eyes. With my hands, I knit you together in your mother's womb."

"But why?," I scream through my bitter tears. "Why why why do I make stupid mistakes?"

He holds my hands to keep me warm. "It's an imperfect world. This is not your world. This isn't where you belong and that's why you are suffering. One day, you'll be with me. One day, you will always be filled with joy."

But today I am here. With nowhere else to go.

I am wrestling with God today.

And I am not letting Him go.

Until He blesses me.

Photo: "Street Life" by Dean Bradshaw
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/91165722@N00/2632134847/)