I am wrestling with God today

^{Genesis 32:24-26} So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."

But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

I am wrestling with God today.

My hands clenching His arms, my eyes tightly shut with tears falling down my face as I grit my teeth, push Him, and punch His chest over and over again. I am angry and frustrated and cursing myself! I soooo want to blame Him even if I know it's all my fault! My doing.

I am wrestling with God today.

Might be scandalous to you. I'm supposed to be a mature Christian, with all the right words to meet your needs. Feeling sad? Read Ecclesiastes three. For this life has seasons of mourning. Feeling angry? Search Proverbs. Never let the sun go down. Making a major life decision? Did you consult your Christian friends? That's what David did.

But today, I will have none of the coddling and trying to make myself feel good! I am wrestling with God today.

I am biting His shoulder. Pinning Him down on the floor. Pounding my head against His back. I want to kick Him! "Lord, I regret it! I regret making stupid decisions! I'm so afraid! I feel like a failure! I'm so stupid! I am just so angry with myself! And right now all I want to do is wrestle with You! I need to let this out!"

Today, I refuse to fake it. Refuse to take my daily shot of bible verses. I'm hitting Him. Stomping my feet. And like Jacob, I'm begging Him to bless me. I'm shaking Him.

My teeth chattering, "Lord, please bless me. Bless me with your mercy. I want to bask in your favor. I want to bask in your peace. I am so angry with myself. Teach me to forgive myself." Tears rolling, a bitter taste seeping out of my tongue's pores.

I am wrestling with God today.

And the Lord, unscathed, cradles me in His arms. He whispers, "You are my child. Perfect in my eyes. With my hands, I knit you together in your mother's womb."

"But why?," I scream through my bitter tears. "Why why why do I make stupid mistakes?"

He holds my hands to keep me warm. "It's an imperfect world. This is not your world. This isn't where you belong and that's why you are suffering. One day, you'll be with me. One day, you will always be filled with joy."

But today I am here. With nowhere else to go.

I am wrestling with God today.

And I am not letting Him go.

Until He blesses me.

Photo: "Street Life" by Dean Bradshaw
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/91165722@N00/2632134847/)